Now What?

I have another confession. I've not returned to Paleo perfect since this happened. I've been making better choices (like you know, not eating skittles every day or an entire box of peppermint patties-ugh!) for sure, but I could improve on those choices. And I need to.

As you know, my health is, um, wacky... we'll go with wacky. Sometimes I feel amazing, and sometimes a random symptom will reappear. Now I'll say this, even on my worst day since changing my diet, I feel better than my best day before this transition. That's a fact. But I don't want to just feel better than before, I want to feel my best. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, and I don't think wanting to feel my best and accepting that I may never be able to repair all the damage I've done are mutually exclusive.

There have been some new happenings. I'll go with newest first. I have some sort of weird rash. It's not a rash per se, but I can't come up with a better description for it. It's not psoriasis or DH, it's not eczema nor dry skin. I guess it's hives? I went to my doctor to get my back adjusted and asked him about it, but I would have had to take my pants off to show him what was going on (because it's on my legs people... I know what you were thinking!), and really, the adjustment room is not equipped to allow half naked ladies to retain any dignity. He thinks it's my detergent. I hope he's on to something. But not my detergent. The detergent my neighbors use in our very crappy washers is more likely. I really cannot wait to get out of this place, but that's another posting entirely.

There's also a terrible possibility that because my gut is still leaky - skittles aren't known for their gut healing properties you know - that I'm reacting to something I'm eating. Have I been taking in too much almond flour? I have been indulging a bit in paleofied baked goods recently. Or, heaven forbid, bacon? WHAT IF IT'S BACON?! Bacon is my main source of fat. Truth be told, I tend towards under eating, so eating something so high in fat every day is pretty important for me. But what if it's not bacon? What if it's my tea? I would rather it be bacon over tea. Yes, I love my Earl Grey more than bacon. That's saying a lot. What if it's not tea? What if it's the worst of all? What if it's chocolate?! I mean, I know there's a meaning to life outside chocolate, but I really don't know what that meaning is. Nor do I really care to be forced to find out. Or maybe it's garlic. I really don't know why a person would bother continuing to eat for the rest of their life if they can't have garlic.

Ok, so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But I do love all these things. I eat bacon and drink tea every day. Chocolate... not every day. Sometimes weeks will go by and I won't have it. But then there are times when you just don't get between a girl and her chocolate. Same with garlic.

Next problem. Men, you may skip over this paragraph ok? No really, don't read it. You'll be sad if you do. Ok ladies. I'm fluffy. You know what I mean. The bloat. I has it. I'm a small person. Any change in weight more than a pound or two shows. I just can't get away with it the way non-petite women can. I've been carrying around an extra 4-5 lbs for the last month or so. It sucks and messes with my body image (because you know, that's not a problem for women as it is), my clothes don't fit right and blah! That's how I feel about it. I'm wondering if the bloat and the hives(?) are related.

So here's my action plan. I'm currently doing a cleanse of sorts. Nothing major (I don't actually believe in "cleanses" for the most part - they're generally a bunch of expensive and potentially damaging hooey), but I want to work on my gut dysbiosis. So I've been taking a lot of probiotics, as well as an enzyme that is supposed to kill candida. By eating up it's cell walls. I almost feel bad for the little guys, but they've gotten out of control and I must bring order back. It's working. I've been doing this since the weekend, and have started experiencing a healing crisis. Those suck, but they're short lived and life goes on. First thing on the food chopping block is garlic. It's the thing I reintroduced most recently, so I think it's my most likely culprit. Then chocolate if that doesn't seem to work. Then I cry myself to sleep for a week and ponder the meaning of life because I'll have to give up either bacon or tea next. Oh first world problems, how you torment me so.

I'm also thinking about doing a fairly strict 30 day Paleo (almost) perfect plan. Sugar in my tea loves. It's my one real vice in terms of Paleo perfection, and I am still at a point where I can live with that. By thinking, I mean I've already decided I'm going to do that starting Monday.

Why not today? Well, this weekend is Christmas. My dad was sick on Christmas day, and my stepmother was out of town, so we decided last minute on Christmas day that Christmas would be this weekend. That means a movie, and a movie means popcorn. So Paleo almost perfect starts Monday and that's that.

And I guess next time I need to do laundry, I'll have to ask my dad and stepmother very very nicely would they mind me in their house for a couple hours while I run up their water and electricity bills...

Thankful

I want to start out by saying, I won't talk about this. You and I feel the same way about it, and words are just not good enough.

I just got off the phone with my dad. As I've mentioned before, my Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (which she's all my life called Alltimers) a while back. She is progressing steadily down that road, and there's nothing we can do about it. The worst part about it is not that she's deteriorating (yes of course that's terrible in and of itself); it's the fact that she doesn't know it. In a way yes, that is a good thing. Who wants to know they're falling apart bit by bit? But when you don't know you're falling apart, you don't know you need help. Both my father and I have made mental notes to listen to our children should such a situation arise. If they say we need someone to come and check up on us then it must be true.

That situation has lead me back to how difficult it can be to accept that which you cannot change. No matter how much I know about health and nutrition (or how much I've relearned over these last several months!), at the end of the day, I cannot make my Grandma the person she was. This is hard to accept. No matter how much coconut oil I could try to shove down her throat, I cannot make her remember that she and my Grandfather have been divorced for decades now; his betrayal is not a new pain, but one she'd healed from long ago (she brings that situation up a lot). Or even make her use a cane, because she still insists she can get around just fine (she can't). She can't even hear me when we talk on the phone anymore, so now I don't call. However, she does not know the difference. I guess there are some small blessings mixed in. And for those small graces, I am thankful.

Which brings me back around to my health. Obviously, it is not perfect. Psoriasis. Psoriatic arthritis. Leaky gut. Migraines. Hair falling out. Gluten intolerance. A bad back/hip. IBS. Chronic anemia. Allergies. I have hives as I'm typing this because I reacted to something I ate last week. Have I missed anything? Probably. But I am thankful.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that after years of suffering from all of the above and more, I've found healing. I am thankful that because of my suffering, I learned more of what compassion is. (I need to work on being a more compassionate person, we all do.) I'm thankful that I don't suffer from migraines any longer. I'm thankful my fingers don't hurt when I type now. I'm thankful that my body is making enough hemoglobin, so now I don't get winded walking up the stairs. I'm thankful walking up those stairs doesn't involve feeling like my back and hip will break to pieces! I'm thankful that I don't have to carry around pink tabs and white pills or blue capsules, and that I don't have to worry I'll get sick after eating anymore. I'm thankful I can lift more than 10 pounds. A lot more!

I still have a long way to go, and I don't know that I'll ever be completely healed. That is something I'm learning to accept as well. And accepting that fact is not giving up on my healing (as has been suggested). I will never give up hope that I can put my autoimmunity into remission; I will never stop working towards that goal. But I am willing to accept that better is better than the same. That some damage cannot be undone. I look at where I've come from, and I look at where I am. It's night and day. So I am thankful.

I am thankful that I know what I now know. I'm thankful I've been able to introduce these things to my family. Maybe my father will never have to remember that mental note. Maybe my mom will not have to suffer through another cancer surgery. Maybe my mind, which is the thing I've always valued most about myself, will stick with me all the way until the end. Maybe we'll never live in fear about another heart attack. Maybe my last few months of life won't be spent in pain at the hospital (as was the case with my Mom's Mom). Maybe my (future) children won't feel uncomfortable in their own skin, the way I did for so much of my life.

This was supposed to be a Christmas post. So I guess my gift to myself is one of gratitude. That's a pretty awesome gift in my eyes!

Merry Christmas!

Gum? GUM?!?!

This is for really reals upsetting to me. Not like life changing, earth shattering kind of upset, but this poop is totally l-a-m-e LAME kind of upset.

I chewed gum last night. Know what I wake up to today? An extra 4 lbs of me thanks to inflammation and swollen calves (that's were it likes to go these days), that's what. And that's not all! No. Can't stop there with the must have been glutenated by the gum reaction. Itchy bumps people. I've counted 5 today. And they itch like a mosquito bite. Damn you tiny piece of gum (shaking my fist mentally)!

I guess that means gum is out. Which is fine, as I've not been a big gum person for a very long time (Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most), but it's yet another little thing I have to consciously avoid. And do I need to worry if I -gasp- kiss someone who's been chewing gum? Will I be glutenated? Sigh. First world problems I know.

I took action though. I drank a lot of water today, took an epsom salt bath, and ate "paleo" pancakes. No, there is nothing truly paleo about pancakes, but whatevers. I found a recipe at Paleo Table (and it has since wandered away, but if ye search the site, ye shall find) for these super yum almond flour pancakes. That's not the point though. The point is I tried to get fiber into my little self to bind up the badness. So yeah, now you're thinking, jeez, why not eat some veggies lady? You're totally right. Veggies are a much better source of fiber. Still can't eat very much of them without being sure the bathroom is near by. That really sucks you guys. I told C today that I think it's pretty messed up of my body to be fine with skittles (also most definitely not Paleo), but get piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off about spinach. Or romaine. Or kale. Or squash. Really anything from the ground it seems. But yeah, why don't I just chow down on some more skittles though. That's totally fine and healthy right? I've found I can also get away with these pancakes, and they've got a bit of fiber to them, so eat them up I do (and occasionally I channel Yoda).

See how I brought that all back around there? That's called skills. Don't be jealous; I'm sure you have your very own awesome skills too.

Next step, early bedtime. That is one upside to the sun going down early, I don't feel the least bit bad about going to bed at like 8:30.

P.S. Please go see "Silver Linings Playbook" You will thank me. No really, thank me after you see it ;)