Thankful

I want to start out by saying, I won't talk about this. You and I feel the same way about it, and words are just not good enough.

I just got off the phone with my dad. As I've mentioned before, my Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (which she's all my life called Alltimers) a while back. She is progressing steadily down that road, and there's nothing we can do about it. The worst part about it is not that she's deteriorating (yes of course that's terrible in and of itself); it's the fact that she doesn't know it. In a way yes, that is a good thing. Who wants to know they're falling apart bit by bit? But when you don't know you're falling apart, you don't know you need help. Both my father and I have made mental notes to listen to our children should such a situation arise. If they say we need someone to come and check up on us then it must be true.

That situation has lead me back to how difficult it can be to accept that which you cannot change. No matter how much I know about health and nutrition (or how much I've relearned over these last several months!), at the end of the day, I cannot make my Grandma the person she was. This is hard to accept. No matter how much coconut oil I could try to shove down her throat, I cannot make her remember that she and my Grandfather have been divorced for decades now; his betrayal is not a new pain, but one she'd healed from long ago (she brings that situation up a lot). Or even make her use a cane, because she still insists she can get around just fine (she can't). She can't even hear me when we talk on the phone anymore, so now I don't call. However, she does not know the difference. I guess there are some small blessings mixed in. And for those small graces, I am thankful.

Which brings me back around to my health. Obviously, it is not perfect. Psoriasis. Psoriatic arthritis. Leaky gut. Migraines. Hair falling out. Gluten intolerance. A bad back/hip. IBS. Chronic anemia. Allergies. I have hives as I'm typing this because I reacted to something I ate last week. Have I missed anything? Probably. But I am thankful.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that after years of suffering from all of the above and more, I've found healing. I am thankful that because of my suffering, I learned more of what compassion is. (I need to work on being a more compassionate person, we all do.) I'm thankful that I don't suffer from migraines any longer. I'm thankful my fingers don't hurt when I type now. I'm thankful that my body is making enough hemoglobin, so now I don't get winded walking up the stairs. I'm thankful walking up those stairs doesn't involve feeling like my back and hip will break to pieces! I'm thankful that I don't have to carry around pink tabs and white pills or blue capsules, and that I don't have to worry I'll get sick after eating anymore. I'm thankful I can lift more than 10 pounds. A lot more!

I still have a long way to go, and I don't know that I'll ever be completely healed. That is something I'm learning to accept as well. And accepting that fact is not giving up on my healing (as has been suggested). I will never give up hope that I can put my autoimmunity into remission; I will never stop working towards that goal. But I am willing to accept that better is better than the same. That some damage cannot be undone. I look at where I've come from, and I look at where I am. It's night and day. So I am thankful.

I am thankful that I know what I now know. I'm thankful I've been able to introduce these things to my family. Maybe my father will never have to remember that mental note. Maybe my mom will not have to suffer through another cancer surgery. Maybe my mind, which is the thing I've always valued most about myself, will stick with me all the way until the end. Maybe we'll never live in fear about another heart attack. Maybe my last few months of life won't be spent in pain at the hospital (as was the case with my Mom's Mom). Maybe my (future) children won't feel uncomfortable in their own skin, the way I did for so much of my life.

This was supposed to be a Christmas post. So I guess my gift to myself is one of gratitude. That's a pretty awesome gift in my eyes!

Merry Christmas!

Off. The. Rails.

Yep.

Totally off the rails for like the last 3ish weeks. Well not totally totally. Didn't feast on gluten bombs or anything extra stupid like that. But I did eat an entire box of mini York Peppermint Patties. Yes, you read that right. Box. A whole Costco sized box. I do believe the box read 175 delicious patty yum yums inside (though I could be paraphrasing. That really should be on the box though. You want to hire me now don't you York makers? Mmm hmm, I know. Sorry, I just can't, but I appreciate the love.)

Mind you, I didn't eat them all at once, I don't actually have a death wish. It's seriously taken 3 weeks to do it. Please do not try that at home. No one should ever do that. Your insides will hate you. Your tongue however will think you're awesome. Keep in mind though, the tongue is only a small part of the body. And the rest of you will think...well it just won't be too happy with you ok? No, I don't know why I did it. I know better.

That's not all I've done to myself.

You see, I moved. That's all fine and dandy, the move went as smooth as moves can go, but the eating that resulted from every day for the last 3 weeks having to do with moving? Um, not pretty. Had some Qdoba (still delish, but not as delish as I remembered a mere 5 months ago...) By some, I mean 3 days in a row. Only Qdoba obtained foods entered my tummy. Not cool. Would I like a Dr. Pepper with my 3 cheese chicken nachos too? ?Como se dice "Hell yeah I would!"? Because lets be honest here, water does not wash down the yum that is Qdoba queso like Dr. Pepper does. It just doesn't, that's actual and it's factual.

Oh, and you know, you sleep like crap when you're brain won't shut off at night thinking about all the things you need to take care of. So then at work, you make bad choices. Like you drink soda. Even if it doesn't have caffeine because you want any sort of energy you can get your hands on. I'm not going to lie here and try to play off like I gave up soda forever when I went Paleo. No. I still have it now and then. Except when I had at least a months worth of it in one week. Yeah, except for that disaster it's a now and then thing.

When you're moving, you don't have time to cook. At least not when the you here is me. Nope, sure don't. So you order a salad (delivered). Not a bad choice I know, of all the choices I could have made. But the lettuce? Not organic. Chicken? Hahahahahaha! You are funny. No, that's for sure not meat from a happy chicken who led a fulfilled little chicken life. Dressing chock full of inflammatory Omega 6 Canola oil? You betcha! As those beautiful Hartwig's say: less healthy. Less healthy than what I make for myself on a regular day. By far.

Supplements! Yeah, didn't take those for the last two weeks either. Sigh.

The last 3 weeks turned into an n=1 experiment. What will happen to The Hussy after eating pretty well and making really great progress over the last five to 6 months if she goes on a sugar laden stress eating canola oil chugging (ok, exageration there) 3 week crap food and stress binge?

Well, let me tell you. Psoriasis. Big surprise with that one I know, seeing as how I was still flaring on a pretty clean diet as it was. Crap sleep. It wasn't ALL due to my overactive brain. No, you eat like crap, you sleep like crap, that's how these things go. Anemia? Yeah. I don't have any blood tests to show it, but my nail beds were a lovely bluish white tinge and my fatigue was not just a reflection of poor sleep I know. As I've said before, there is a particular tiredness that only comes from a lack of red blood cell oxygen action.

I'm also more hair triggerie than usual (it's a word. Look it up. No, don't. We both know that will be a waste of time. But you still know what it means so it's a word! Logic -1, real words - 0). I'm anxious and extra cranky! That's just wonderful for everyone around me. I'm sure they've been so happy to share their days with me.

Oh and how bout this for the topper? My hair is falling out. Awesome huh? Love it. No really though, it is. Not in clumps. Just more. More when I comb my hair in the mornings. More when I take a shower. More when I brush. Just more you know? Heavy sigh. But after catching a glimpse of the flare I'm having on my scalp from this stupidity, I can't really say I'm surprised.

On a related note, kinda, minor acne. This is only notable because I do not break out. Can you imagine? An esthetician with breakouts? Ugh. And when I say minor, I seriously have 2 little itty bitty zits. On my chin. Hormones. Chin is hormone related, so my hormones are sad. Big surprise. Eat like crap, get sad hormones.

But!

I'm mostly settled in. By mostly I mean hardly at all but I can walk around without bumping into things and cook without having to remove boxes from the stove so we'll call that good for now. This means I'm back to cooking for my lunches. Getting back into my normal routine. Today was my first normal day since the move. Except I forgot my lunchtime supplements. Oh well. I had my morning dosages, and I'll remember them tomorrow.

And I'm super excited because I ordered "Practical Paleo" and it should be in tomorrow! The reviews of it are all around great, and she's apparently got a good autoimmune protocol and meal ideas to go with it (main reason for the purchase really), so Ima check that out!

Sorry for all the terrible grammar and non words, but I'm still "off". Thanks for not hating me :)

Acountability

Yeah, so I went to the Whole 9 seminar today, but that's not what this post is about. I'll write a proper review when I've got more time and more sleep. I was so excited last night that I slept like all kinds of poo. I assume because I was worried I wouldn't wake up on time. My biggest personal fear, and something I loathe in others is what we'll call "a lack of promptness". Loathe is not too strong a word either. Anyway, enough about that. Oh, rest assured though, the seminar was most awesome.

I started this blog to keep myself accountable for the changes I was making to my lifestyle and diet. I've kinda slacked off on that, and it's been to my own detriment. Don't get me wrong, I'm still doing pretty well overall, but without having to tell someone what I'm doing (yes, even if that "someone" is my little blog...I still haven't figured out who's reading this other than my mom and C on occasion, but I'm making myself accountable to whomever you are too...because my stats say it's way more than just those two reading my crazy rambles.)

I talked a bit about the Vegas family trip. I didn't have a ton of food options (yes I know Vegas is full of ALL KINDS of options, but we weren't on the strip so I was limited to the food available in the hotel and all those other options are not my cup of tea.) Hence all the Fat Burger action. And Starbucks. Tall Chai thank you very much. I think that was actually what derailed some of my progress. Milk and sugar. Not in small amounts either. Nope.

So yeah, my psoriasis is flaring, and it's my own damn fault.

Now, it's not as bad as my bet is it would have had I not already adopted the changes I had. And not as bad as it would be if I still got no sun. I love the sun. I used to think the sun didn't love me back, but turns out that was purely a misunderstanding between us. But that's what happens when the middle man in communication is a sun-phobic brainwashed dermatologist. The sun and I have worked it out though and I've promised not to listen to doctors too much.

On the subject of sun. I have a not so secret secret. I'm not a natural redhead. It suits me for sure. I have the right temperament, and can get very pale (coughanemiacough), so everyone just assumes. And you know what they say about assuming... Red hair does not work with a tan though, and tanning is something my skin excels in. It's actually a bit of an effort to stay this stereotypically Celtic in appearance. So since I plan on being tan forever now, I have to not be a redhead anymore. This could be the hardest part of this whole lifestyle change for me. I've not decided yet if that is laughably great, or laughably sad. Either way though, I'm for sure laughing. Life is tough no? ;)

I'm tired and so my brain is just working on this stream of consciousness stuff, or whatever the hippies call that. I think my original point was that I'm going to have blog more of the mundane food shtuffs for a bit to get myself back on track. Yeah. Pretty sure that was supposed to be the point of this post. I guess that's why I titled it "Accountability".

I don't do well on little sleep, so sorry for this post. I'm still going to click publish though. Shame? No sorry, I'm not familiar with this concept...

Anemia. It's lame.

There is a particular type of muscle exhaustion that comes with having severe anemia. It's really hard to explain. Almost like your muscles are ready to give out on you. You can feel it in your heart. And I don't mean metaphorically. I mean literally. Your heart feels so worn out. I do not recommend it.

I work on the 2nd floor of our building, so I refuse to take the elevator unless my hands are so full that opening doors would require circus act capabilities. Sometimes I regret this. Those times are when my hamstrings and quads are saying, gee lady, if we had enough red blood cells for energy, this would be so much easier! It's just one floor, but it reminds me how difficult it can be to get back to great health when you've been sick for so long. In a way it's very humbling. Truth be told though I'd rather be humbled in some less concerning way.

Since I've changed my diet, I have not needed to take as much iron as I used to. This is fantastic for my bank account. The iron I take is not that little black/brown pill they prescribe that makes it impossible to poop for a couple weeks but has a tiny price tag. I take a liquid iron and it's not cheap. I still have not found the proper number of days I need to take it though. As you can imagine, I'd rather not overdose on iron either. I used to have to take it every single day of my life. If I missed a couple days, I noticed and paid for it with not being as active as I otherwise would have liked to be. I thought that would be the rest of my life. Take iron or no walks in the park! Yet another reason I'm grateful for having found Paleo.

I have no clear end point in my mind for this post. So I guess then this is the end of the post :)