Now What?

I have another confession. I've not returned to Paleo perfect since this happened. I've been making better choices (like you know, not eating skittles every day or an entire box of peppermint patties-ugh!) for sure, but I could improve on those choices. And I need to.

As you know, my health is, um, wacky... we'll go with wacky. Sometimes I feel amazing, and sometimes a random symptom will reappear. Now I'll say this, even on my worst day since changing my diet, I feel better than my best day before this transition. That's a fact. But I don't want to just feel better than before, I want to feel my best. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, and I don't think wanting to feel my best and accepting that I may never be able to repair all the damage I've done are mutually exclusive.

There have been some new happenings. I'll go with newest first. I have some sort of weird rash. It's not a rash per se, but I can't come up with a better description for it. It's not psoriasis or DH, it's not eczema nor dry skin. I guess it's hives? I went to my doctor to get my back adjusted and asked him about it, but I would have had to take my pants off to show him what was going on (because it's on my legs people... I know what you were thinking!), and really, the adjustment room is not equipped to allow half naked ladies to retain any dignity. He thinks it's my detergent. I hope he's on to something. But not my detergent. The detergent my neighbors use in our very crappy washers is more likely. I really cannot wait to get out of this place, but that's another posting entirely.

There's also a terrible possibility that because my gut is still leaky - skittles aren't known for their gut healing properties you know - that I'm reacting to something I'm eating. Have I been taking in too much almond flour? I have been indulging a bit in paleofied baked goods recently. Or, heaven forbid, bacon? WHAT IF IT'S BACON?! Bacon is my main source of fat. Truth be told, I tend towards under eating, so eating something so high in fat every day is pretty important for me. But what if it's not bacon? What if it's my tea? I would rather it be bacon over tea. Yes, I love my Earl Grey more than bacon. That's saying a lot. What if it's not tea? What if it's the worst of all? What if it's chocolate?! I mean, I know there's a meaning to life outside chocolate, but I really don't know what that meaning is. Nor do I really care to be forced to find out. Or maybe it's garlic. I really don't know why a person would bother continuing to eat for the rest of their life if they can't have garlic.

Ok, so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. But I do love all these things. I eat bacon and drink tea every day. Chocolate... not every day. Sometimes weeks will go by and I won't have it. But then there are times when you just don't get between a girl and her chocolate. Same with garlic.

Next problem. Men, you may skip over this paragraph ok? No really, don't read it. You'll be sad if you do. Ok ladies. I'm fluffy. You know what I mean. The bloat. I has it. I'm a small person. Any change in weight more than a pound or two shows. I just can't get away with it the way non-petite women can. I've been carrying around an extra 4-5 lbs for the last month or so. It sucks and messes with my body image (because you know, that's not a problem for women as it is), my clothes don't fit right and blah! That's how I feel about it. I'm wondering if the bloat and the hives(?) are related.

So here's my action plan. I'm currently doing a cleanse of sorts. Nothing major (I don't actually believe in "cleanses" for the most part - they're generally a bunch of expensive and potentially damaging hooey), but I want to work on my gut dysbiosis. So I've been taking a lot of probiotics, as well as an enzyme that is supposed to kill candida. By eating up it's cell walls. I almost feel bad for the little guys, but they've gotten out of control and I must bring order back. It's working. I've been doing this since the weekend, and have started experiencing a healing crisis. Those suck, but they're short lived and life goes on. First thing on the food chopping block is garlic. It's the thing I reintroduced most recently, so I think it's my most likely culprit. Then chocolate if that doesn't seem to work. Then I cry myself to sleep for a week and ponder the meaning of life because I'll have to give up either bacon or tea next. Oh first world problems, how you torment me so.

I'm also thinking about doing a fairly strict 30 day Paleo (almost) perfect plan. Sugar in my tea loves. It's my one real vice in terms of Paleo perfection, and I am still at a point where I can live with that. By thinking, I mean I've already decided I'm going to do that starting Monday.

Why not today? Well, this weekend is Christmas. My dad was sick on Christmas day, and my stepmother was out of town, so we decided last minute on Christmas day that Christmas would be this weekend. That means a movie, and a movie means popcorn. So Paleo almost perfect starts Monday and that's that.

And I guess next time I need to do laundry, I'll have to ask my dad and stepmother very very nicely would they mind me in their house for a couple hours while I run up their water and electricity bills...

Thankful

I want to start out by saying, I won't talk about this. You and I feel the same way about it, and words are just not good enough.

I just got off the phone with my dad. As I've mentioned before, my Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's (which she's all my life called Alltimers) a while back. She is progressing steadily down that road, and there's nothing we can do about it. The worst part about it is not that she's deteriorating (yes of course that's terrible in and of itself); it's the fact that she doesn't know it. In a way yes, that is a good thing. Who wants to know they're falling apart bit by bit? But when you don't know you're falling apart, you don't know you need help. Both my father and I have made mental notes to listen to our children should such a situation arise. If they say we need someone to come and check up on us then it must be true.

That situation has lead me back to how difficult it can be to accept that which you cannot change. No matter how much I know about health and nutrition (or how much I've relearned over these last several months!), at the end of the day, I cannot make my Grandma the person she was. This is hard to accept. No matter how much coconut oil I could try to shove down her throat, I cannot make her remember that she and my Grandfather have been divorced for decades now; his betrayal is not a new pain, but one she'd healed from long ago (she brings that situation up a lot). Or even make her use a cane, because she still insists she can get around just fine (she can't). She can't even hear me when we talk on the phone anymore, so now I don't call. However, she does not know the difference. I guess there are some small blessings mixed in. And for those small graces, I am thankful.

Which brings me back around to my health. Obviously, it is not perfect. Psoriasis. Psoriatic arthritis. Leaky gut. Migraines. Hair falling out. Gluten intolerance. A bad back/hip. IBS. Chronic anemia. Allergies. I have hives as I'm typing this because I reacted to something I ate last week. Have I missed anything? Probably. But I am thankful.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that after years of suffering from all of the above and more, I've found healing. I am thankful that because of my suffering, I learned more of what compassion is. (I need to work on being a more compassionate person, we all do.) I'm thankful that I don't suffer from migraines any longer. I'm thankful my fingers don't hurt when I type now. I'm thankful that my body is making enough hemoglobin, so now I don't get winded walking up the stairs. I'm thankful walking up those stairs doesn't involve feeling like my back and hip will break to pieces! I'm thankful that I don't have to carry around pink tabs and white pills or blue capsules, and that I don't have to worry I'll get sick after eating anymore. I'm thankful I can lift more than 10 pounds. A lot more!

I still have a long way to go, and I don't know that I'll ever be completely healed. That is something I'm learning to accept as well. And accepting that fact is not giving up on my healing (as has been suggested). I will never give up hope that I can put my autoimmunity into remission; I will never stop working towards that goal. But I am willing to accept that better is better than the same. That some damage cannot be undone. I look at where I've come from, and I look at where I am. It's night and day. So I am thankful.

I am thankful that I know what I now know. I'm thankful I've been able to introduce these things to my family. Maybe my father will never have to remember that mental note. Maybe my mom will not have to suffer through another cancer surgery. Maybe my mind, which is the thing I've always valued most about myself, will stick with me all the way until the end. Maybe we'll never live in fear about another heart attack. Maybe my last few months of life won't be spent in pain at the hospital (as was the case with my Mom's Mom). Maybe my (future) children won't feel uncomfortable in their own skin, the way I did for so much of my life.

This was supposed to be a Christmas post. So I guess my gift to myself is one of gratitude. That's a pretty awesome gift in my eyes!

Merry Christmas!

Gum? GUM?!?!

This is for really reals upsetting to me. Not like life changing, earth shattering kind of upset, but this poop is totally l-a-m-e LAME kind of upset.

I chewed gum last night. Know what I wake up to today? An extra 4 lbs of me thanks to inflammation and swollen calves (that's were it likes to go these days), that's what. And that's not all! No. Can't stop there with the must have been glutenated by the gum reaction. Itchy bumps people. I've counted 5 today. And they itch like a mosquito bite. Damn you tiny piece of gum (shaking my fist mentally)!

I guess that means gum is out. Which is fine, as I've not been a big gum person for a very long time (Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most), but it's yet another little thing I have to consciously avoid. And do I need to worry if I -gasp- kiss someone who's been chewing gum? Will I be glutenated? Sigh. First world problems I know.

I took action though. I drank a lot of water today, took an epsom salt bath, and ate "paleo" pancakes. No, there is nothing truly paleo about pancakes, but whatevers. I found a recipe at Paleo Table (and it has since wandered away, but if ye search the site, ye shall find) for these super yum almond flour pancakes. That's not the point though. The point is I tried to get fiber into my little self to bind up the badness. So yeah, now you're thinking, jeez, why not eat some veggies lady? You're totally right. Veggies are a much better source of fiber. Still can't eat very much of them without being sure the bathroom is near by. That really sucks you guys. I told C today that I think it's pretty messed up of my body to be fine with skittles (also most definitely not Paleo), but get piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed off about spinach. Or romaine. Or kale. Or squash. Really anything from the ground it seems. But yeah, why don't I just chow down on some more skittles though. That's totally fine and healthy right? I've found I can also get away with these pancakes, and they've got a bit of fiber to them, so eat them up I do (and occasionally I channel Yoda).

See how I brought that all back around there? That's called skills. Don't be jealous; I'm sure you have your very own awesome skills too.

Next step, early bedtime. That is one upside to the sun going down early, I don't feel the least bit bad about going to bed at like 8:30.

P.S. Please go see "Silver Linings Playbook" You will thank me. No really, thank me after you see it ;)

Random Round-up

Goshness, it's been a while since I posted. Again. Sorry. Again. There's lots to tell you though! Don't know where to start really. Maybe the bad? Yeah, because then things get better right? Ok, we'll go with that, thanks for your input.

Ok so this is the super bad. Prop. 37 in my semi home state of California did not pass. What's the big deal about that?

Mostly I don't care what other states pass or do not pass into law, that's their business. I care when it involves health, and only health. So in addition to this whole Prop. 37 thing, I care about a woman's access to family planning; and yes, access to abortion (though that topic merits an entire posting of it's own, just know before you tell me what a terrible person I am, I have a stance. Here it is: I hate abortion. For real. I think it is psychologically damaging, and if it's not, the woman receiving the abortion has some very serious issues as it is. Here's the thing. I've never met a woman who's had an abortion that was thrilled about it. Not one. It's no sensible, healthy minded woman's idea of birth control. It is a last option. It is a burden they carry for the rest of their lives, and most of them understood that when they made their decision. Yet they still made it, and while they carry that choice for life; they will not go so far as to say they regret it. Why? Because they felt it was the most appropriate thing for their situation. Who the hell am I to tell them what they can and can not do? I've not been in their shoes, and I don't know their life the way they do. So don't bother trying to convert me to anti-choice).

Prop. 37 was about GMO labeling. What's a GMO and why should you care? Read this. Now, the saying is "as California goes, so goes the nation". It's not really true in most cases, but it would have been true in this one. There's a crapton of people living in California you guys. That means there's a crapton of people buying a metric cubed crapton of things. Notably food. When California says "you must label..." companies just go ahead and relabel EVERYTHING. Because in the long run, it's cheaper for them to use the same label on everything they ship, rather than to have a special label just for fancy California peoples and their fancy laws. That effectively means all GMO containing food would have been labeled as such for the entire nation. That would have been rad. Wouldn't you like to know what you're eating? Don't you think you have the right to know what you're eating? These guys don't think so. So I am voting with my wallet until they get their heads out of their asses.

On the upside, it did not pass by a fairly small margin (last stat I saw was 53% against to 47% for), so the message was getting through to a whole lot of people. Maybe next time. In the meantime, don't buy from those companies on that list. Which is pretty easy to do if you're eating Paleo ;)

On to much lighter hearted stuff ok?

The only other not good thing I can think of is this: I've developed hypoglycemic symptoms. That's kind of the middle of the story. Let's start at the start. I took the week of Halloween off and had myself a little staycation. The first Saturday morning, my IBS decided that since I was home for the week, it should come stay with me, and stay it did. All the way until the following Saturday. I have no idea what triggered it, but it made my time off a bit less enjoyable than it otherwise would have been. Now, when I get a long IBS attack, fiber is not my friend. So I was not eating much in the way of carbs, since most of the carbs I eat are of the veggie variety (ok, and chocolate. But chocolate is not a good plan during an IBS attack either. Trust me). She says low carb is bad for woman. I'm going to have to go ahead and agree with her after this bout. Even though my IBS subsided, my digestive system was just not up for veggies. I could eat some sauteed spinach at dinner time (oh by the way, the dinner experiment has been great! Now I eat dinner every night and it seems to help me sleep better... who knew?!), but that's about all I could eat and not regret later. That means my lunches have consisted of meat, fat, and meat. After about a week and a half of this, I got nauseous. It was the weirdest thing. And all I could think about was Skittles. Well, I ate them, and felt a bajillion times better. I've had to do this every day now. It is not healthy. Skittles are not food. Not even close. And you can bet your bippy they're chock full of GMO's! I have a plan. Baby carrots and some sort of fat based dip. I'm still not up for full-on fiber. I have to reintroduce it slowly, or I'll screw myself over (yes, the attack really was that bad). Costco here I come!

Ready for good stuff?

I've successfully reintroduced eggs. I'm not eating them every day though. It's nice to not HAVE to eat some sort of meat in the morning, now I can do it if I want to. Sometimes perspective is all that matters! Since reintroducing eggs, my spots have been healing even faster, and that's super awesome. What could be more super awesome than that? I'll tell ya. I've only developed one new spot in a good three weeks! You're probably thinking "uh ok, that means you're still actively attacking yourself dear. Why are you so happy about that?" Well Debbie Downer, it's because it's just one spot. And it's a small spot. And it's already healing. Usually they're larger, it's never just one, and they don't typically start healing right after they come into my life - though that has been happening more the longer I eat this way. So be happy for me ok?

About halfway through my no eggs/no hot sauce experiment I also cut out mustard and pepper. Thanks to this lady right here. She's a scientist(!) who also suffers from an autoimmune disorder, and has done a lot of research into the autoimmune side of the paleo world. Her site has been amazing for me. I'm so glad I found her! So anyway, it's been over 30 days since I cut those two things out, and I don't really miss them. I'll probably give them a go at some point, but I've found they're really a non issue in my life. I have yet to give hot sauce a try. See the IBS paragraph and you can probably figure out why.

I started no 'poo today. No, not that kind of poo! Shampoo. The inner hippie is seriously taking over my life right? I decided to try it because other woman with scalp psoriasis (incidentally that's the first place I developed it well over two decades ago!) RAVE about how much it's helped them. I've been thinking about it for months now, so I decided there's no time like the present. I took a before picture, but I'm not going to post it until I have a real opinion about all this. First impression though? Could be pretty amazing. I did take one picture I will share right now:

That's the hair that normally clogs my drain. I know it's hard to see. Why am I even showing you this grossness? Because usually there is easily double to triple that amount - every time I wash my hair (3 times a week. Don't knock it, I used to work at a salon and the stylists all convinced me it was much better for your hair to not wash it every day. They're right). I thought the rest would come out when I combed my hair - as more always does (usually about the same amount as comes out in the shower). And more did; but only about as much as you see there. This is exciting to me since due to my psoriasis I've lost a lot of hair. It's only in the last few months started growing back in in most places. So if no 'poo is preventing even more from coming out in my wash, I am all kinds of on board. I'm not going to talk about the formula I used or any of that until I am more comfortable with what I'm doing. But as of right now, I'm pretty excited.

Um, I think that's all I've got for you today :) Time to go watch True Blood and work out!

Bacon

...it's what's for dinner.

I thought I made that up. Then I googled it just to check. I didn't make it up at all. Now I want this shirt.

And tonight, it really is what's for dinner. No meat is thawed. Leafy greens don't work to fill me up, and that's all the veggies in the house. So yes, bacon is what's for dinner. You may commence being jealous now.

Lightbulb?

Today I developed two "itchy bumps". If you didn't know, that's my shorthand for dermatitis herpetiformis. This is a skin condition that technically only Celiac patients develop. So since I'm "non-celiac gluten intolerant" thanks to my blood test, I guess the itchy bumps don't exist and aren't what they are? Anyway. Whatevers. That part is not really relevant anyway.

Those darn things can turn into a nice little psoriasis spot for me. I try to avoid them, and to heal them as fast as possible when they crop up for this reason.

I got to thinking today when the second itchy bump made me aware of its presence. What has been different over the last few days? One thing, and one thing only. Onion.

I freakin love onions! Raw, cooked, sauteed, gimme! They add great depth of flavor to anything you toss them in. (And people like to have lengthy conversations with you if you've eaten a whole bunch of onion. Promise! Go try it! I'll wait here.) But I don't have them very often. I've had a couple rings of raw onion on my Larkburger (of which I've had 2 in the last month) but no reaction. But yesterday, I tossed a bunch of dried minced onion in with my ground beef. Voila! Itchy bumps.

I have no idea why dried then sauteed minced onion would cause a reaction when raw onion has not. Usually it's the opposite situation when it comes to food reactions. But I've often been accused of being unusual, so I guess it follows. I have to look in to this one. Maybe I just didn't have all that much raw onion in the first place so my reaction wasn't noticeable? I don't know.

In the grand scheme of things, I would feel slightly sad (but I won't cry) to give up the onion. But I'd be much more sad to have to give up eggs for always. Today is day, um, hang on. Day 22 of no eggs. I CAN'T WAIT to eat eggs for breakfast on my first reintroduction day. Seriously, I just really like bacon and eggs for breakfast, so I truly hope I don't have to give that up. Begin your finger crossing now ok?

So that was a random bundle of words up there. I'm going to finish my bone broth - and think of how much you're missing out on with that C ;) - and unload the dishwasher. I know, my life is crazy exciting. Bet you want to be me huh?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Me! It's me! I'm coming to dinner! Did you guess right?

As you may or may not know - I think I've said it on here before but I forget (we'll get to that); I don't really do the dinner thing all that often since becoming a full fledged grown up. I did have dinner more often before my n=1 Paleo experiment to be sure. But now that I'm a fat burner and not a sugar burner (and um, still being single is probably a contributor too), it's a rare occurrence. Why the change of heart? Glad you asked...please to continue!

So I mentioned a little while back that I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with some adrenal fatigue action. Since that post, like everywhere I look in Paleoland is all "adrenal fatigue!" Granted, some of that is due to me going to my trusted sites and look for their posts on the matter (semantics, whatever ;P), but other times it really is just popping up. Now I'm not saying that the Universe thinks I have adrenal fatigue and wants me to know about it or anything hippie dippy like that. Ok, so maybe I am. Don't judge me; I cannot help that deep deep deep within myself lives a dirty stinkin hippie that tells me crazy things.

I know it's actually much more likely that since I feel like this is an issue for me, I'm noticing it more in my little world. Like when you get a new car and all of a sudden EVERYONE in your whole town got the same car on the same day...It's just like that. Those cars were always already there, but you didn't notice because they weren't like yours.

Back to the matter at hand. I had an epiphany last night (or was it the night before? Memory ugh! We're still not there). In It Starts With Food, the beauty wonder duo Dallas and Melissa talk a bit about when you can't trust what your body is telling you. Now for me, I'm a big believer that your body wants you to be healthy and we should listen to what it tells us. But what if we've messed it up so much that it doesn't know which way is up any more than you do? How can you trust it to tell you the right things? Their -ahem firm - advice? Eat anyway. Eat three squares a day until you can trust what your body is telling you. I was pretty sure this part of the book (they also said it in their seminar so I guess they really do mean it) didn't really apply to me so I've never really thought about it until now.

I don't eat dinner because I'm not hungry for it. But I got to thinking (and now that I'm thinking about when I got to thinking, and it was the night before last. Good job memory!), I didn't eat breakfast for years either. Years people! Know why? Wasn't hungry. But what about now? You already know. I'm on day 18 no eggs, and eggs have been what's for breakfast since I started Paleo. I've been eating breakfast for years now. So I thought to myself, now you can't imagine life without breakfast, but you didn't have it for years and years. Maybe your body IS confused!

Then I started thinking about how out of sorts I've been (currently suffering from a severe case of CRS, also known as Can't Remember Shit, no matter how much I sleep it's never enough, no energy for my walks but that's ok because due to the CRS I've once again forgotten to bring my workout clothes, by the time I get off work I feel like I could lay down and sleep for hours... you get the idea) and how not eating enough is stressful to the body; which is why Dallas and Melissa say to eat anyway until you can trust the signals your body gives you. My not eating dinner could be contributing to this suspected adrenal fatigue. Oy. Breaking myself down and not even giving it a second thought! Good job lady.

I had dinner tonight (my current favorite meal: ground beef with a smidge of garlic powder, a hefty dose of salt, and a poop ton of cinnamon plus a bunch of baby spinach). I was going to have dinner last night but I came home to a power outage and it didn't kick back in until 4:30 a.m. For a normal person (read non-mega high strung) that probably wouldn't be a big deal, but it really messed with my sleep. When I did sleep, all I could dream about how I had over slept because the power never came back on and I was super late to work and where I'd have to get breakfast since there's nothing ready made in my home anymore. But mostly I was awake because I was worried I'd over sleep and be late for work because the power never came on and OMG where am I going to get breakfast?!?!?!

But I digress.

The weekend is coming up and this dinner thing is going to be a challenge. I am hard pressed to have two squares on a normal Saturday or Sunday, let alone 3. I forget to eat ALL THE TIME over the weekend.

And did you know I have a week long stay-cation starting in 8 days? I am already planning my meals (hint: see food above and lots and lots of bone broth to heal my tummy) so I will not be allowed to miss any meals for lack of planning.

Ok. I'm tired. And unfairly enough, hungry. I ate already! Stupid stomach...

Night night.